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Posts Tagged ‘Smutty Books’

A new lifestyle/diet trend has come to my attention recently: The Paleo Diet. As lifestyle trends go, this one doesn’t sound too bad. The argument is that eating closer to how our ancestors ate in the Paleolithic period will somehow make us healthier. I’m not sure it would be some miracle health solution but there is sense in cutting out processed shit, refined sugar, etc. I can even understand the arguments against dairy despite it being my favourite food group and having no intention of ever giving it up. I think there is some merit in the idea, I’m not sure it’s possible (or wise) to try to follow the rules of the diet to the letter. But, in my opinion, there is definitely some merit in the basic idea.

Having said that, though, the very phrase “I’m on the paleo diet” conjures up images of my friends attempting to roast a ptarmigan in a pit in their suburban backyards … or, better yet, in the park down the street because they don’t have a backyard. Ooh! Maybe they go hunting for squirrels in the park with their handy sling shots! After taking down a friendly park squirrel, they forage for “wild” vegetables in the neighbour’s garden … I could go on and on here.

The diet should be renamed The Ayla* Diet. Think about it: Ayla invented everything from the bra to the needle, domesticated horses and great sex. She even invented the spear thrower (ok, her well hung boyfriend helped her with that), discovered that hitting flint & pyrite together makes sparks to start a fire, and discovered that watching other animals having sex is a great aphrodisiac (In other words, she invented porn. Wooly mammoth porn in this case). At some point during all that, she became the first human being to work out where babies actually come from! Seriously, it’s not much of a stretch to believe that she also invented the latest diet/lifestyle trend for the 2000s, is it?

I envisage a strict exercise regime to compliment the Ayla Diet. It involves lots and lots of spectacular sex … in caves … and on plains … and in huts constructed from mammoth bones … and in hot springs … and on glaciers … and, well, you get the idea. Maybe I should market this Ayla Diet idea. I could be rich like that Atkins guy. He’s rich, isn’t he?

*  If you don’t know who Ayla is then reading this about the Earth’s Children series of books might help. It’d help more to read the books themselves, though. They’re entertaining, somewhat educational and funny as hell (in the way that things are funny when they aren’t *supposed* to be funny). 🙂

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Thanks to a certain person who may or may not have an alter ego known as Tito, I have recently discovered slash fic. If you’ve been living under a rock or having a life outside the interwebz (in which case, what the fuck are you doing reading my blog?) and don’t know what slash fic is, I suggest you Google the term. Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m going to hell. But, if I’m going so is Tito and the authors of said slash fic, damn it! Sweet … maybe we can party there …

Anyway, laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of this stuff today brought to mind my first encounter with smutty fiction. So I thought I’d share because I’m in a share-y mood and, hell, I can’t think of any other topic to blog about. 😀

At the innocent young age of 13 (or maybe 12?) I found Jean M. Auel’s Earth’s Children series. It started out innocent enough. Clan of the Cave Bear was tame (apart from the rape scene which, in my innocence, I completely glossed over without really processing what was going on). I liked the movie so I read the book. You see, I was very, very innocent. Did I mention that I was innocent? Yeah, there was a lot of shit in that book that went totally over my head. Anyway, I then went on to read the rest of the series which, as I got older and read more, didn’t go over my head as much. I learned stuff. Oh, I learned stuff. In fact, I believe those books were the way I found out exactly *where* the penis was supposed to go. It took me till the second book to get that, btw. Yeah, innocent. Innocent and a little stupid and a lot naive. Anyway, the point is … I eventually got the point. And then I learned more stuff. *snigger* Educational, that series. 🙂

And, hey, as educations go it wasn’t a bad one. Ayla’s a strong, ass kicking woman who invents the bra, the spear thrower (she had help from her man for that), using pyrite and flint to start fires, domesticates the first horse, invents the freaking needle and manages to be the best cook & medicine woman the world has ever seen on top of being a minx in bed with the most well endowed man ever to live. Most of the books describe the matriarchal society of Cro-Magnon humans (Auel’s romanticized idea of it at any rate). So, yeah, I could have had a worse smutty series of books to start on.

Note that I was reading these back when most of my peers were barely past picture books. What can I say? I went to a public school in New Jersey. Anyway, I was pretty much the only person I knew reading these books at the time … which, I think, is how I got away with reading them to be perfectly honest. You see, no one had any idea of the education I was getting … least of all my parents.

After 8th grade, my parents split up and we moved to Washington State where I met Kim (everybody say hi to Kim!). At some point Kim and I discovered that we’d both read the infamous series. Immediately we had running jokes about mammoths, Jondalar’s *ahem* talents and the fact that Ayla supposedly invented most of the technologies that set Cro-Magnon humans apart from their cousins, the Neanderthals. We laughed till we cried over certain *cough* scenes in the books and nicknamed the fourth book The Plains of Passion rather than it’s true title of The Plains of Passage because… Well, let’s just say the book is all about a big, long journey in prehistoric times. There wasn’t much else to do but shag … and Ayla and Jondalar do … a lot … about every 5 pages. It’s a LOOOOOOOOOOONG book.

At some point there was a gathering at Kim’s house consisting of a lot of angsty, bored teenagers and no adult supervision. That happened a lot during my youth, actually. It’s a wonder I got out of the whole thing as relatively pure as I did, to be honest. Anyway, back to the point … Kim and I, once again, were laughing about The Plains of Passion and the mammoths (I still can’t even write about it without sniggering!). Finally Amy gets curious enough to ask us what the fuck we are on about. The book gets taken out and shown to Amy. We laugh about how “gross” it is, etc. Amy starts flipping through, finds a scene (not hard, it happens every 5 pages) and the following occurs:

Amy: OMG! You’re right! This book is DISGUSTING!

Kim & I: Yeah, it’s hilarious. *histerical laughter*

40 minutes or so later ….

Kim & I : Um, where’s Amy? *looking around*

We find Amy huddled in a corner, reading intently, flipping pages, then reading intently again. We tease her mercilessly.

Ah, the memories.  Here’s to Jean M. Auel, educating naive young women everywhere and here’s to Ayla for … well, being the super woman of prehistoric humans. Oh, and while I’m at it … here’s to Kim for sharing the laughter with me over such an educational series of books. 😉

So, what was your first smutty book? Come on, spill!

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I had a Tupperware party yesterday. Wait, it gets worse! I bought stuff … and my friends bought stuff … and I got lots of free loot out of it … and I’m STOKED about all this! Yeah. Me. Tupperware party host, Tupperware purchaser and excited recipient of free Tupperware. What happened to me?

This is on top of the fact that, about 18 months ago, I was over the moon to be buying a Dyson vacuum cleaner. Yeah, you read that right … I was counting the days till it got delivered (it was part of a largish appliance purchase). I almost posted photos of it on Facebook next to the photos of my kids. Pathetic? You bet.

Even my music taste is changing. For example, I now LOVE Ben Folds. Who would have guessed? When Ben Folds Five first made it big when I was in highschool, I thought they were “meh.” I kind of chalked them up as “old people’s music” and couldn’t figure out why they were so popular. Now? Now I know the error of my ways. Can you get a cooler song than Rocking the Suburbs? Like, really?

Oh, and I read romance novels. In my defense, I refuse to read those shithole Fabio-on-the-cover, bodice ripping, ridiculous tomes of throbbing members and fainting damsels. I read Paranormal Romance … otherwise known as Vampire Smut. But, yeah, despite the very significant differences there, I know it’s still sad. I know it’s badly written crap but it’s *fun* badly written crap and after a day of chasing kids all over the place, settling down to some thinking optional brain candy with vampires and smut (don’t forget the smut … it’s very important) is a good way to relax.

I am old. Old and boring. I am an old, boring housewife who reads smut and buys Tupperware. Sigh. Seriously, though, if I ever EVER purchase a minivan or an SUV that’s not used for, you know, sports utility stuff and apply one of those awful “Mum’s Taxi” (or “Mom’s Taxi” depending on the country) signs to it … SHOOT ME DEAD. Please. thnxbai

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