My friend, Kimba, and I went to see a movie today. We didn’t much care which movie as we figured they would all be pretty shit … we just wanted to watch a whole movie by ourselves without children. We also wanted an excuse to dip into my Junior Mints stash. We saw Robin Hood, the new Ridley Scott/Russel Crowe Gladiator remake with, um, arrows and English vs French and Merry Men and stuff. My summary as follows:
Russel Crowe: Gravely grumble grumble grumble
Clueless king is clueless
Big siege of random French castle. References to Monty Python run through my brain and cause my innapropriate giggling.
Clueless king gets killed. New clueless king gets crowned. Clueless king is clueless.
French: Haw haw haw We are evil & speak with outrageous accents (insert more French stereotypes throughout the film)
Hawt bad guy is hawt … but a terrible actor with a terrible script and no Alan Rickman.
Drinking and wenching scene with minstrel (who has a suspiciously American accent)
Plotting, violence, poor character development, lots of fire (hey, the fire was cool!)
Convoluted, weird storyline which has nothing to do with traditional Robin Hood plot.
Marian kicks a little ass but then stops.
Russel Crowe: Grumble grumble gravely grumble Justice! grumble gravel big speech words lost in the grumbling.
At some point, after initially disliking Robin Hood, Marian falls in love with him because … um … he has big pecks, grumbles a lot and stares intensely?
Big fight scene. Marian starts to kick more ass but, inevitably stuffs up and requires saving because she is a woman and women always need saving by their big, gravely, large pecked menfolk.
Clueless king is still clueless. Foundations for an equally terrible sequel are laid.
Me: inappropriately laughing my ass off and annoying the people behind us.
Conclusion: Any Robin Hood movie that does not include Alan Rickman is barely worth watching.I mean, really, why do they even try? How can anyone ever hope to top Alan Rickman? And, if topping him is not possible then why even bother to make the movie at all? You just can’t get much better than this:
However, I got to eat Junior Mints, hang out with Kimba and laugh inappropriately at the movies (and I do so love to laugh inappropriately at the movies!) so, all in all, it wasn’t a bad outing at all. I’m rather glad I went. In fact, I must replenish my Junior Mint stash and go to more horrifically bad (yet oh, so funny) movies with Kimba. It should be a Thing that we do. Respect the Thing!
PS Be grateful that I did not link the video clip of Everything I Do, I Do For You by Bryan Adams as I was extremely tempted to do. Yes, I still kind of like that song and yes, I still remember the words (along with probably most of the dialogue of Prince of Thieves). YES! I am a dork! We all know this! Now stop laughing!
The Ausmerican 