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Posts Tagged ‘Stoopid America’

It’s that time of year again. Festivus season! In honour of this most sacred holiday, let us gather around the Festivus pole (remember, no tinsel … tinsel is too distracting) and air our grievances for the year.  So, without further ado, here are my grievances in no particular order:

1.) To the Douchebags:  A lot of douchebags have irritated me this year from Kanye West to Sen. John McCain to your average internet troll fuckwit on Twitter (and don’t forget Russell T. Davies). You know what? Being a douchebag is really bad. You shouldn’t do it. So, fuck off, douchebags!

2.) To my friends in the US who  haven’t come to visit me nor have they paid for my ticket to go visit them: I think this is very inconsiderate of them and it should be rectified immediately. What’s that? They don’t have any money? Pfft, they can always sell their house/worldly possesions/first born children to raise the funds! Do I have to think of everything for you people?

3.)  To my US student loan company who’ve made repayment from my country of residence impossible: You’ve got to be kidding me! This is so ridiculous, it’s comical! News flash: The rest of the world exists, they have their own currency and banks and *sometimes* Americans even choose to live there!  International transactions involving money happen all the time. Get with the program! (The full story is really quite ridiculous & could make an entire post but I haven’t decided whether it is wise to do that.)

4.) To my house that doesn’t clean itself: You’re a pig sty. Pick up your game. It’s 2010 and will soon be 2011 … haven’t we invented self cleaning houses yet???

5.) To Dora and Diego:  Dora The Explorer and Go! Diego Go! are two are the most obnoxious tv shows ever to grace the airwaves. That fucking map can burn in hell … if only that would shut it up. And, Diego, eggs are fucking eggs! They are not “baby eggs.” There is often a baby inside them that will more than likely hatch out of said egg but the egg itself is not a fucking “baby egg!”  The sooner Dora falls over a cliff or something eats Diego, the better.

6.) To the world: You’re not as small as the interwebz makes you seem. Damn you, world! Don’t you know that I should be able to just walk over to all my friend’s houses?

7.) To Perth Drivers: Seriously, people, learn how to merge. That’s all I’m sayin’. (Ok, that’s probably not all but I realise that you can’t handle too much at once so let’s just stick with learning to merge for now.)

8.) To anyone who addresses correspondance to me as “Mrs <Husband’s name or first initial> <Husband’s surname>” or to both of us as “Mr. & Mrs <Husband’s name or first initial> <Husband’s surname> : You’re a dinosour who clearly has not been advised of the progression of time. It is now 2010. It will be 2011 soon. A woman is not the property of her husband regardless of whether she chooses (as I did) to change her name after legal marriage (I say legal since marriage is not soley a religious institution). I’ll pause to let you process that new and shocking information. Ok so far? If not, I don’t care. Just to clarify: MY NAME IS NOT <Husband’s name>! My first name is Kareena. I say “first name” for a reason, by the way. It is not a “Christian name” because I am not Christian. Get it? Probably not. Until you do get it, please do not send me anything via post. In fact, don’t talk to me. You’re too stupid.

9.) To the company who I pay to deliver organic fruit and vegetables every Wednesday: You fail. You’re supposed to deliver on Wednesday afternoon, usually getting the box to me at around 2ish. Yet far too many times you have waited until 4PM to text me to tell me that the person who normally does the delivery is on holiday or whatever and cannot bring it. You then send it via courier the next day. The courier often doesn’t arrive until 3PM. Thursday is usually the only day I have to do the rest of the weekly grocery shopping and I cannot do it unless I know what fruit and vegetables I have. You can shove your courier up your collective arses. I’m finding a new company to provide me with organic produce in the new year.

10.) To the creators of Single Father: Not only did you create a script that was almost really good but kind of  not due to strangeness, odd format and a totally inappropriate soundtrack but you missed two if not three prime opportunities to show us David Tennant naked … or at least more naked than you did show him. I mean, really, if the BBC could produce something that included Christopher Eccleston completely nude* this year then I think they could have done us fangirls the same service with Tennant. **


 

*    Not that I’m complaining about getting the full monty from Eccleston. Not. At. All.

** Really, I only put this grievance in because I had 9 already and I thought that an even 10 would look better. Oh, ten and Tennant … hahahhaha … geddit? No, unless you’re as hopeless a Doctor Who nerd as me, you probably won’t. Sigh… Also? I just proved once again that everything can be brought back to a Doctor Who reference. Everything. Even a post based on an episode of Seinfeld. It’s a Festivus miracle!

And now, as Festivus rolls on, we come to the Feats of Strength!

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I’ve been neglecting this blog. I’m sorry. I just haven’t been inspired to say much more than random (and inane) tweeting so I’ve ignored the blog. I’m bad at blogging.

But, I have rant material now. Today I unfriended (don’t you love Facebook inspired new additions to the English language?) someone from my distant past on Facebook. You know why? Because she joined this group. It’s a joke, right? Hahahaha … except it’s not. It’s a sign of ignorance which just got me fired up to rant about the ignorance of a large and vocal group of my fellow countrymen/women.

Dear American Conservatives:

America is not the best place on Earth, America does not have the best health care on Earth and America is really quite backwards in a lot of aspects compared to the rest of the world. Grow up, get with the program and try to learn how to handle CHANGE.

Yes, America can stand to CHANGE. Case in point: The metric system. The ENTIRE FREAKING WORLD (or thereabouts) has changed to it except for America. Ironic that America, the fiercely “Democratic/anti monarchy” country is still using a system called THE IMPERIAL SYSTEM that was originally based on the length of kings’ feet, etc.

Universal health care is not out to get you. In fact, I find it ironic that often the people who seem protest it the most are the people who *stand to benefit the most from it* (ie people in lower socioeconomic groups). Much of the rest of the Western World has some sort of universal healthcare system in place. Now, probably none of them are The Perfect Solution, but I daresay most of them are BETTER THAN THE SHIT SITUATION THE US HAS. When I was officially granted Permanent Residency here in Australia, I literally did a happy dance in the Immigration Department upon hearing that I was eligible for Medicare. I lived in the US, I know what it’s like to worry about the price of going to the Dr.or the price of prescriptions. Here, people complain about the gap fee they have to pay at the Dr.’s office or the price of prescriptions … they have no idea how much it can cost in the US. I was lucky, I had some insurance, I was not as dirt poor as some people. I shudder to think what happens to the seriously destitute in the US.

Granted, I am not completely up to date with all the intricacies of US news. I have not been following Obama’s administration as closely as I originally planned. Life has distracted me from lofty goals like that. I can’t say for sure if he’s the best president ever, if he’s going about his goals of change in the best possible way or anything like that. But, what I can say is that he’s better than the slack jawed moron that we were stuck with for the previous 8 years. At least Obama can pronounce “nuclear” and has a vision for improving things other than bombing the shit out of any country that looks at us cross eyed. It wouldn’t take much, really.

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We’re having a long weekend down here in Oz. Why? Because Monday is a public holiday? Why? I have NO FREAKING CLUE!

Australians like their public holidays. They have a freakish amount of them each year(around 10 depending on which state you’re in). Rarely does anyone even know *why* they have the day off work. But, you know what? That’s fine by me!

Australian’s laid back attitude where there is always time to relax is an easy one to adopt. Being here so long, I have nearly forgotten how hideous it is to be a part of the US workforce. I mean, no wonder Americans rarely know anything about the world around them … they’re too busy being worked to death and paid shit to travel or think about the world outside! Over here most workplaces have something called “long service leave” in which you get a month or two off for something like 5 year’s work or something silly! This is on top of being entitled to way more paid (and unpaid) annual holiday leave than the average American worker can even dream of PLUS the public holidays. You’d think, given this laid back attitude towards work vs play that Aussies would have a reputation for being lazy sods, right? Well, anecdotally, this isn’t the case. I’ve been told that UK workplaces often prefer hiring Aussies for their good work ethic!

So, I salute the Australian public holiday. I suggest you all raise your beers and salute it too! Take that, US Puritanical “work ethic.” *thumbs nose*

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I had to call my student loan company last night. I do believe stabbing my eyes out with dull sticks would have been more productive. You see, they won’t take my money and they’re calling me default on my loan. “But that doesn’t make any sense!” you say. Well, you would be right.

Brief history: I finished my degree here in Australia using US student loans. I graduated, consolidated my loans (I had a few from when I started uni in the US, etc) and thought I could just go on like a normal ex student with student loans. Not so much. They won’t take money from Australian banks (or any foreign bank for that matter) but expect me to pay anyway. One would think that a company that covers student loans for overseas students might actually have contingency plans in place for the off chance that the overseas student might stay overseas. I can’t have been the first US overseas student to stay in the country where I received my degree. If this idiot company would be believed, it seems I am and by doing so, I must have broken the time space continuum or something.  When this all became clear the first time around, my step dad generously rescued me by paying from his account and keeping a tab for me. We still haven’t paid him back. Now he and my mother have parted ways so we told him to stop paying my loans.  Hence, I am back at square one with the doofus loan company. Confused yet? I am.

So, last night I finally got the courage to call and try to work this out. I decided to call instead of email because last time they insisted on phone calls and its just easier to try to discuss it over the phone. At first, I spoke to a pleb who knew nothing and was no help (not her fault, its not like they’d have trained her for unique cases like this), got cut off, called back and immediately asked for a manager which offended the second rude dipshit even though I was very polite and told her it wasn’t something she’d done, just the nature of the situation. Before she allowed me to speak to the manager, she still tried to get info out of me and handle the call herself. She actually asked me if I had access to the internet. Um, what part of the year 2010 don’t you get, sweety? I know I am white, university educated and relatively privilaged but, dude, even most homeless people have at least limited access to the internet these days. Its the world we live in for fuck’s sakes!
The manager I spoke to basically said they can’t do anything but give me a forebearance for a year. She said to ask my bank about converting the funds and that was all she could suggest (my bank can’t, I checked this morning). That’s it. I have to fill out a bunch of paperwork (which I have not yet had the energy to even look at) so things can be avoided for another year while the loans acrue more interest (not that the interest rate is all that high, but still). I just love “resolutions” like this. Now, where’s that dull stick . . . ?

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Lets face it, The United States doesn’t exactly have the best reputation world wide. There are many possible reasons for this most of which I won’t go into here. The one that really gets me, the one that I want to bitch and moan about right now is ignorance of the world outside of the US. Yes, there is one! Really! People live, work and generally get on with their lives despite not living in the almighty US … the end all and be all of civilization. (That was sarcasm, in case you didn’t notice.) Look, I even found a map to prove it:

See all that stuff? You know, the land masses that aren’t within the borders of the US? Yeah, they exist! And guess what? They have television, and flushing toilets and they even sometimes calculate their location on the Earth in ways that do not require a reference to a US location! (Oops, more sarcasm)

My husband was shown how to flush a toilet while traveling in Arizona. Don’t you know that Australians all still use outdoor dunnies? Flushing toilets? What luxury! Wow, the US really is the bastion of modern technology! His response was something along the lines of: “Um, yes, we have flushing toilets where I come from.”

The girlfriend of a cousin (my husband’s family) was working on The Gold Coast running snorkel tours/etc. She was asked by a US tourist where they put the sea life after the tours are finished for the day. Yes, you read that right.

My personal favourite is a story from the travels of my grandparents in-law. They were in Oshkosh for a pilot’s gathering of some sort (Grandpa used to be a pilot). Upon telling a couple they were chatting to that they were from Australia, they received the following response: “Australia … Is that past Hawaii?” No, its a central state. It was annexed to the US in 1989. No, really. *facepalm*

Also not helping the US’s reputation are US tourists. You know the ones, loud, obnoxious, completely oblivious to the world around them as if a little bubble of America permenantly travels with them whereever they go. This includes US exchange/study abroad students. When I was at uni, there were gaggles of them. You could hear them coming from all the way across the campus. They went everywhere together. Heaven forbid they should, I don’t know, mingle with Australians to learn more about living in Australia (presumably the reason one studies abroad). I understand the want for familiarity in a strange place but this was excessive. It was so bad that I, technically a US international student at the time, was embarrassed for them. I avoided them as much as I could lest I be considered one of them. Which, really, is pretty sad considering I could have used the comfort of knowing someone from home.

And then there are the Navy ships the sometimes port in Fremantle, flooding the city with green, flat topped young idiots. Sigh. You can spot them a mile away, too. It isn’t the hair, it isn’t even the accent … its the arrogant swagger.

I hate to break it to you but the US is well past its hey day when immigrants flooded in for “a better life” and the world looked up to the US (if that ever was the case). Especially after the damage that Dubya the brainless monkey did, we’ve really got little left to be arrogant about. So, Americans, please shape up. Learn about the world outside your dinky little towns. Listen to/watch/read some world news. Stop acting like arrogant fuckers when you are abroad. You never know, you might help the rest of the world stop hating us so much. Maybe.

PS To the US international student who called TripleJ’s Hack program to say that she opposes universal health care in the US because she doesn’t want America to be like Australia: Fuck you. Are you fucking blind or just stupid? Did you not notice the people who can go to the Dr when they need to even when they are out of a job? Or the prescriptions that you don’t have to sell your body parts to be able to afford? Oh, no, wait … its just that your rich Republican daddy paid for you to go overseas where you will learn absolutely nothing because you already come from the best place on Earth. Seriously, fuck you and the arrogant horse you rode in on. Its because of people like you that the world hates us. Its because of people like you that America is an eternal joke. And its because of people like you that I am eternally having to defend myself here in Australia just for being from the US. Rant over.

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